Tipping over the teepee

I think everyone goes through phases where they think, everyday, for a moment or two, about killing themselves.  I have been through that phase a few times.  I'm in that phase right now.  Thoughts just float in.  Thoughts like: "i just wish I could die today"  "maybe I could be lucky enough to be crushed by an out of control truck", or "Have an out of his mind drunk guy make a bad (fatal) decision." 
I thought I'd found a treasure in you.  Turns out it was just a pocket full of fools gold.  
So friends really suck.  When they turn sour, it is no fun.  K, so friend of mine feels threatened because I have started up my business.  Warns me off HER clients and HER friends.  Well, DA!  I Know she worked hard for her clients and Common sense, human decency already dictate that news flash.  But it has put a rift there.  We act like nothing has changed but I "feel" it like an elephant in the room.
I walk up to an acquaintance of mine who I admire and ask when we will play.  Harsh return.  To busy with (13) kids and no time to play if not with the kids.  OK already!  They are all teens and gone to school and what would I know, I only have two.  Maybe she was having an off day.

The weather has been cold but quite pretty these past days.  No money for food or bills.  and they are due.  Bart keeps asking for more money in his account so I just take it out of Parker's mission/college account.  Can't tell Bart we don't have money.  He'd flip out.  Excuse me,  He'd implode.  I have a feeling he already is.  He can't handle anything.  He crumbles over a wrinkle in the road.  Therefore it is remarkable that he holds down the job he has and hates now.  Wuss.  I think men hold women back.  I envy the ones who have been there and have gotten rid of their "baggage"  and moved on to create great things.  actually, That is a crazy radical statement.  the women who have done such things did it through MUCH trial and hard work and sacrificed a lot. 
I guess I am being nonsensical.  If I could change one thing in my life, it would still be getting Married.  Hate that one bad move in my life.  I just look at that man most times and wonder who the hell he is and why am I with him.  It's enough to drive one to drinking.  I like our property, the animals the wide open spaces, but I don't want to be here.  So in those two respects I feel like the pieces of my life haven't fallen into place but rather sit uncomfortably in the holes that don't match up.  And therefore I am living in a house of cards and a living a lie with a man I appreciate but do not love, in a place I'd rather not be. 

So in case anyone where unfortunate enough to ever read this;  I am not trying to be wise or politically correct or anything except grumpy.  I am NOT  suicidal, I do not hate my husband, I am still with him because I would never want to hurt him or the kids and because I appreciate the life he gives us.  I keep trying to be a better person but I am a LONGGGGG ways from being anything but a waste of space and a complete loser.  But I like to pretend.
If I were the person I would like to be, I would be strong, in body and mind.  Courageous, willing to take it on and run with it (actually I think I could do that happily).  I would be beautiful.  I would be wise and I would spoil every child I could (All children should feel loved and cherished individually.  I feel like I lost out on that one as a youngster.  That is not to say that my childhood was bad.  It was a great childhood.  I had great parents and I know they always loved me.  But got no love from adoring grandparents or aunts or uncle or any such relatives.  Big whoop!  It would have been nice, but it was not necessary.  But I like to give that gift anyway). 
I would be engaged in the life of making a difference in others lives.  I would have a reason every morning to get outta bed.  Anyway
I'm so locked up in dissatisfaction that it is hard to do anything.  Where do you go to get out of this tangle?  These are not things you can tell anyone.  That is my weak self and I loathe to let anyone Know, what they may or may not suspect.  That I am really a scourge to other living and breathing individuals that actually contribute to life.  They look at me and superficially they see a bright ray of sunshine.  Happy and carefree and kind.  I appear to be an angel, kids love me, I am always smiling and seems so happy.  My marriage seems close and cozy. 
So what is wrong with me that I am unhappy?!  I really do have it all!  A very sweet and cute man who adores me (or at least pretends really well), a great piece of property and a fixed up house (still in the works), a beautiful suburban, two handsome amazing boys who love their Mom, horses (I've always wanted horses, Heavenly father made sure I got them)( I think he actually likes me[HF])Oh!( so In that respect I always feel guilty for letting him down).  The conflict in my brain is raging and uncomfortable.  On one hand I just want to be content, full of gratitude and happy with the way things are.  The other 92% of me wants to get the hell out!  Out of Missouri, out of this marriage, out of this life. 
But then the question is "to what?"
What would that "Look Like"?
So these are the ramblings of an unstable woman.  I am going to go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day and it will be a good day and I will wake with enthusiasm because Man is that he might have joy and I intend to reach out and grab some of that. 

Since when did the dog sleep inside?

Is it just me, or does he fart a lot?  It is 2 in the morning and my mind is empty of any wise words.  That is not nessesarily because of the lateness of the hour.  It is a gift I have to be brainless and unable to retain thoughts for more than a few seconds.  I suppose it a gift because then I don't get bogged down with all that stuff other people call "stress" and such.
I don't seem to have the right tools to save my "work"  I cannot find the last three blogs I have so arduously typed into my computer.  So I will quite here until as a time when I know what the hell I'm doing.
adios and good night.Here in Missouri the bed bugs bite.

This is my very first Blog ever!  I am so excited to enter the world of writing whatever the hell comes to my mind.  Just reading some of the stuff that passes as entertainment these days, I wonder that you don't need any inteligence to pass as a writer.  Not that what I have been reading is uninteligent, just lacks anything of value.  There are great books that do little more than Keep your mind occupied for a time and are quickly forgot because they are empty of substance void of enlightenment and don't create thought past the paraghraph.  My writing fits in that catagory.  I have nothing of enlightenment or inteligence to pass on, or years of reseach to increase ones knowledge, even my own.  I just want to write.  I want to be talented in creating thoughts and images in peoples minds.  I want to be the architect of some fanciful world where interesting charactors come to life and have a life.  My charactors could travel the world and be places I have never been privilaged to explore, have experiences I may never have.  They could be the person I have never been brave enough to be, or so shy they would make me feel like an evil villian.  I love books that take you outside of the perverbial box and free your imagination.  I love when the author takes you on a journey where anything is possible; where pigs fly and fire is cold to the touch but burns in your bossom.  I Love fantacy charactors, but I also love the ones that feel real and, in trueth, I do love biograghies as well. I love to read and I love the books that stay with me long after the last chapter.  Some books I have resently read, will stay with me as a source of wonder.  Like I wonder why anyone would publish such a book.  Silly and full of puff.  Certainly I have nothing worthy of publishing but I would like to think that I have a book in me somewhere.  I have been looking for years and haven't found one yet.  I do think that if I don't write, than nothing will come.  So I am taking this oppertunity, although I have nothing in my mind at this time, to write, to just let words flow and just do some brain dumping or brain draining.  However it is said.  I will probably never be a famous actor, most definately not a singer/rockstar.  I am not a powerful politition type, or wise beyond my years.  I am a nobody.  I have contributed nothing to this world.  I am unremarkable.  I am not even a great talker.  I may however be a great listener.  Hmm, maybe not.  If I remembered what people told me I might be a great listener.  So in that respect I am a Great Secret keeper.  I do want to make a difference in my world.  I would like to make waves and be somebody.  I don't want to languish in a life with so little value.  I want o dance in the light.  I want to see all the little hidden corners of the world.  I will fly in a private jet, have important conversations as I relax in the back of a limo, and I will take a family vacation and not worry about money.  I want to show my very sweet boys what the rewards are for breakingout of the norm, for taking on the things that may scare you and for conquering the day.